The 5 Stages of Grief
by Ugly.Paper.Swan
Summary: WARNING - implied suicide scene and character death. Following Levi's death in front of his very own eyes, Erwin had trouble coping with the loss.


**A/N : I swear I'm in an angst rut. It took me so long to write this down. Sorry in advance if it's crappy. As always, enjoy! :D**

* * *

"Hanji?" voiced Commander Erwin from his desk, not looking away from the much paperwork on his table that needs his signing. Hanji, being the one in question, abruptly stopped arranging the books lining Erwin's bookcases in the room and turned around, nearly toppling the nearby pile of books to the ground.

"Yes, Erwin?"

"Can you get Levi for me? I needed to discuss something with him." Erwin picked up a report handed in to him by none other than the female soldier in front of him and stared at it. "This report is really worrying me. His input on this matter is much needed."

Hanji blinked a few times before straightening up. "Levi's input, Erwin?"

"Yes, Hanji. Now will you please go get him? As you very well understand, this is a very serious matter."

"O-of course, Erwin. Right away." Hanji, however, did not move from her place despite her saying so. Instead, she walked towards Erwin's desk and laid her hands atop the scratched surface. Unconsciously, her nails dragged themselves across the grooves on the desk and started scratching some of the deeper depressions they could find.

"Erwin…Before I call Levi…" Hanji half-whispered, her voice a pitch higher than usual and seemed careful. "We need to talk about something first…"

At this, the blonde looked up and directed his attention to the anxious soldier in front of him. His eyebrows creased together when Hanji didn't do as she was asked. Couldn't she see that what she had reported to him is something that needs urgent response? What is she doing, dallying instead of running off to find the Corporal? The paper in his hand was put down.

"What is it, Squad Leader Hanji? Can't it wait?"

"No, I…"

"Hanji, with all due respect, we're currently in the middle of a war. One that we cannot win if prompt actions are not taken." Hanji flinched, but Erwin continued on mercilessly. "I hate to do this, but please don't _make_ me order you to get Levi in here now. Personal matters can wait."

The woman sucked in a shaky deep breath. "Alright."

Before leaving the office, she turned back towards Erwin with a hesitantly playful smile on her features. "Hey, Erwin?"

"Yes?"

"Don't work yourself too hard. That's an order!"

The man looked put out, exasperated by Hanji's antics. "You can't order your superiors."

"What superiors? This is an order from a very good and loyal friend!" Hanji pouted from the door.

"Get out of here, Hanji! And get me Levi."

And with that, Hanji disappeared into the corridor; her left hand covering her quivering lips as tears rolled down her cheeks.

* * *

A few days later, Erwin found himself staring steadily at the two people in front of him, and back to the bloodied torn jacket on his desk. He repeated the process again a couple of times in eerie silence, causing Hanji and Mike to shuffle a little uneasily in their spot.

After many more minutes passed, Erwin broke the silence, his voice strained as he questioned them. "What is the meaning of this?"

Hanji didn't reply straight away. Her shoulders shook as she tried to control the oncoming sobs and utterly failing. She couldn't take it anymore. It hurts to watch a dear friend hurting himself like this for so long, it hurts even more when she's absolutely helpless and cannot confront him alone about the problem.

Mike took hold of Hanji, wrapping his arms around the brown-haired woman as she cried quietly into his shoulders for support. Hanji was glad that she called in Mike for help; Erwin cannot get over this without those who are close to him encouraging him every step of the way.

"You know what that is Erwin. This has gone on long enough. Don't delude yourself any further," spoke Mike slowly, cautious seeping in his every word. His eyes locked on to Erwin's as if challenging him to state otherwise, which of course, Erwin didn't. Mike's left hand stroked Hanji's back to sooth her. Apparently it's working as her sobbing died down to sniffles.

Erwin lowered his head and didn't look anywhere else but the jacket in front of him, or what was left of it; the top half was missing. Both of his hands smoothen out the surface as much as he can, since the dried blood caking the fabric has harden it considerably. His fingers inched along the lining at the edge of the military jacket until he reached the frayed ends at the top. His fingers curled around them.

"It's a torn jacket, Mike. And a very bloodied one, in fact. What of it?" deadpanned the Commander.

"It's Levi's jacket, Erwin!" cried Mike in anguish. He didn't know why, but his voice sounded angry. He didn't want to sound angry. Erwin doesn't need this shit right now. No one needs this shit right now. His voice cracked as he went on. "Levi, he's…he's…"

"He's dead, Erwin…" breathed Hanji softly as she calmed herself with resolve. They need to sort this out among them; Erwin even more so since Levi's death was the hardest on him. Hanji just cannot imagine what the man might be feeling other than intense pain and denial. After all, he did witnessed Levi getting devoured right in front of his eyes after pushing him out of the way of a titan's gaping maw. She herself was also too shocked to move when she had witnessed the scene, almost getting herself killed if another fellow comrade hadn't swept her out of the way.

"Stop."

"Erwin, we only - " Mike was cut off mid-sentence.

"I SAID STOP! DON'T TALK ANYMORE!" Erwin rose to his full height, his hands clenching tight on the remains of Levi's jacket, threatening to rip it even more under the crushing weight of his fingers. "Get out you two. Now."

The venom laced in the blonde's voice had affected Mike and Hanji a lot more than Erwin had intended, but at this point in time, he could care less. He's hurting so much and he want others to feel the same hopelessness and guilt as he did. He didn't care when Hanji renewed her crying and he certainly didn't care when even Mike's expression contorted into a mix of something akin to pain and disappointment.

He just felt so angry. Angry at the titan that ate Levi. Angry at Levi for dying for him. Angry at Hanji and Mike for poking their meddlesome noses where it's absolutely unnecessary. And most of all, angry at himself for being the cause of Levi's death. If he had just not made that small mistake…if he had just…

Erwin sobbed. The tears splattered one by one on the dried blood on Levi's jacket, soaking part of the hem red again.

All three stood in silence. Suddenly the room had felt too big and too small at the same time. Mike tugged at Hanji's sleeve, ushering her towards the door.

"We'll come back later, Erwin."

The door clicked close, a sound of finality to their conversation.

* * *

He burned the midnight oil once again, it seems. How many nights has it been? He just couldn't get enough of work. Reports, meetings, paperwork, planning, formation, training…anything he could get his hands on, he would bury himself deep in it until the acute pain of loss becomes a dull ache in his chest.

It was never enough. This amount of work is never enough for the second chance Levi had given him; no matter what Erwin did, it will never amount to anything like what Levi had done for him. He felt a desperate need to make it up for Levi. A growing amount of restlessness nests itself in Erwin's psyche and it just won't stop.

Erwin stopped his writing as he soon as he finished the last loop of his signature. He didn't move an inch as he stared blankly at the paper in front of him. The paper that he had just signed was an entirely important one, where he is to acknowledge the fact he has received word from the superiors regarding the abolishment of the need to execute Eren Yeager. This should be good news. Finally, they had proved Eren's worth as mankind's trump card and not rid of him because of some people's apprehensions. Yet, why did he still feel not accomplished?

He only felt hollow and numb.

A cup of steaming coffee was put by his side with a soft clunk. Erwin didn't need to look up to see who it was. Sometimes, Hanji and Mike would drop by his office, doing nothing but stay around in companionable silence, doing whatever it is they wanted to do. Sometimes it's just Mike, dragging a blanket and a pillow behind him just to sleep on the table directly in front of him. Sometimes, it's just Hanji and her good brew of coffee to keep him awake through the tiring night.

Tonight, both of them were here.

"Didn't I say not to overwork yourself, Erwin?" Hanji asked with a yawn. She held her own cup of coffee to her lips and she sipped the content slowly. "It's late."

"What are you guys even doing here?" countered back Erwin.

Hanji giggled. The laughter sounded so foreign in the middle of the night and in the current sombre mood. Erwin scowled when Hanji rapped her knuckles against the top of his head.

"To make sure you don't do anything stupid, silly Commander!"

"And what in the world is that supposed to mean?"

"Hmmm…I wonder…" replied Hanji cryptically as she settled herself next to the sleeping Mike, put down her mug and tugged at the large blanket the man had brought with him, wrapping herself with it as well. Despite being in the middle of summer, the night was cool in the headquarters as it can get quite drafty.

Erwin ignored her, preferring to lose himself in work again, trying to catch up to Levi's ghost.

"Hanji, pass me those pile of papers next to you."

"Sure thing, Commander." Hanji shoved the paper towards Erwin. "Just get some sleep, please."

"Maybe later," he mumbled. Erwin rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes, refusing to give in. There was so much to do and so little time. The scratching of his pen continued through the night. It was a couple of hours later that the oil lamp runs out of fuel.

By then, all three of the soldiers were dead to the world.

* * *

The guilt of surviving and grief within him continued to fester until one day Erwin could take it no longer. He disappeared without notice, equipping his 3D Manoeuvre Gear hastily and taking off at the break of dawn and no one has seen him since.

The headquarters were in an uproar. The commander went missing and no matter where they searched, Erwin is nowhere to be found. Both Hanji and Mike were harassed to no end throughout the morning because people just won't stop asking them whether they have seen Erwin or not.

And they haven't.

They wanted to believe that somehow, by some act of miracle, Erwin has just been walking around the compound, not even gone, and everyone's just missed him by seconds or something. Or like Levi probably would have said, maybe the Commander was taking a long shit and the shit just won't come out and that no one bothered to look in the toilets. But a part of them got scared. What if…What if…

Just the mere thought of the possibility got them frantic. They too went out to search. Hanji took off to the horse stables and rode out into the nearby forest while Mike went around the castle and nearby facilities on his gear. He could care less if people looked at him like he was crazy. As if people weren't already aware of his sniffing habit.

By mid-afternoon, no one had managed to locate Erwin. Except for one Sasha Braus, who stood shocked at where she found him, a gasp escaping her lips. She had found him swinging from one of the rafters in the food storage shed, looking rather lifeless and too pale. The breads in her hands dropped unceremoniously to the floor.

"Co-commander Erwin?" whispered Sasha disbelievingly; her hands trembled at the sight of the person before her. Her heart beats fast, threatening to hammer its way out of her chest. Suddenly, she stood up straight and gave the most proper salute she could manage that it would make even Keith proud. "I'm sorry Sir! I won't steal food here ever again! Please don't make me miss my lunch and dinner. I beg of you, Sir!"

Other than a listless glance, Erwin ignored the girl and continued using his gear as a makeshift swing, rocking back and forth from the beam supporting the roof. Sasha took that cue to stand at ease, peering curiously at her superior and not liking the expression he has got on one bit. Even if she's newly recruited, she had heard some whisperings of how Commander Erwin not taking Corporal Levi's death easily. How…underrated. The man was absolutely devastated, thought Sasha.

She doesn't have her own gear on at the moment, so she took to climbing one of the pillars to get close.

Finally reaching the beam where Erwin's dangled himself, Sasha dug into one of her pockets and held out a cold boiled potato she kept as emergency ration. She grunted as she split it into uneven halves, holding out the bigger half to Erwin from above.

"Sir, eat this. I believe potato is the best cure for heartaches. I'm not lying."

Still, the blonde ignored her; the old beam creaked ominously with each swing he took.

"You don't want to eat, Sir?" Sasha questioned, retracting back her hand uncertainly.

Sasha wondered what she should do. She's not used to cheering up other people. If it were Connie, he would've gladly smacked her head and snatched the potato from her hands. But Commander Erwin's not Connie; to her, he's a complete stranger whom she had only met because she joined the Scouting Legion.

"What's the use?"

Sasha sat frozen, thinking she might have heard something coming from the man below her.

"Pardon, sir?"

"…What's the use? Why bother with anything? Levi's dead. He's not coming back and it's all my fault." Erwin had finally halted his swinging. The brunette gulped when the Commander looked up at her direction, his expression still the same as the time when she had discovered him. The look of giving up. Even from her distance from him, her sharp hunter's eyes can still detect the trails of dried tears on the man's face. "…I got distracted and he paid the price instead of me…"

"But…but you're alive, sir. That's all that matters." Sasha bit her lips as soon as she had spoken. That sounded callous? Silence reigned for a while before she spoke up again.

"Sorry, Sir. I'm not really good at cheering up people," she admitted. Erwin gave a non-committal grunt in reply. He started swinging again. "I meant to say, Sir, to Corporal Levi, you being alive is all that matters. I-I don't know him well, and I don't know you well…but I'm sure Corporal must be relieved that you're still alive. To sacrifice oneself to such as extent…you must be really loved by him, Sir."

"You really think so, Braus?"

Sasha nodded vigorously.

"…I see. I guess I would've done the same if our roles were switched."

"Then you must really love him too."

"I do. Without a doubt."

The girl decided to dangle her feet from her position, looking down at the man below her. This conversation was too strange and surreal to her. She was grasping empty words just so that Commander Erwin could cheer up. Losing your loved ones is never easy. As a soldier, she knows all too well, fearing even for the lives of people she didn't even know, and she has seen too many people who have given up the will to live.

"You know…my father once said that if I'm sad, my dead mother will come over and cheer me up. And when I'm happy again, she'll go back to heaven and watch over me. I still believe so, Sir."

She swiped a finger across the rafter she was sitting on. Looking closely, a thick layer of dust covered her fingertip. "And it's no wonder you're still sad, Sir! I bet all of my potato right here that Corporal Levi wouldn't even come near you with a 10 foot pole. Look at this horrible messy place! To think that they should keep the food shed clean at least! And look at you, with your unkempt hair and cobwebs on your clothes, and…and…! Have you even looked after yourself lately, Sir?"

A small laughter reached her ears. "Yeah, maybe that's why I'm still sad. That clean freak ass."

Sasha tried her luck again. "Want some potato, Sir? I think I just lost the bet."

"Bet, Braus?"

"Uh-huh. It's only a small one, but you're smiling again. Maybe Corporal Levi loves you enough to overlook your dirty uniform, Sir. Isn't that sweet of him?"

* * *

He remembered when he finally got back to the Scouting Legion's headquarters that day, he nearly got overrun by Hanji and her horse and also by a flying Mike trying to tackle him to the ground from the nearby tree. The two babbled on like crazy, talking at the rate of a million miles per second, checking him all over for signs of injuries and the likes.

When they found nothing, they both stepped back in daze; still quite unbelieving that Erwin was perfectly alright, in the physical sense. Even the smile that he gave had thrown them off. And oh, how he wished he had something to record the shocked looks on their faces when he crushed them both in the tightest bear hug he could manage.

Ever since that disappearance episode he had pulled, none of the two would ever leave him out of their sight if they could help it. At least one of them will stay behind and if both of them are needed elsewhere, they would pull whichever unfortunate soul that was near enough and forced them to babysit Erwin while they were gone, trailing rushed words on how he was to be good while they were gone and promises of coming back as soon as they can.

He still worked too hard sometimes and he still relapses into depression a few other days, but he found himself relaxing a bit more lately and started enjoying things again. Once in a while, he would even open up a little and talk about how much he missed Levi with Hanji and Mike and maybe, if time allows it, go visit Levi's grave together.

Erwin never said it and he didn't think that it was needed; he very much appreciated their loyalty even though most of the time he felt like he was being a jerk to them. It made Erwin feel a little less empty in the presence of their support.

The door to the office clicked open and someone walked in unsurely into the room. Erwin looked up from the file in his hand, smiling and set the file down.

"So it's you this time, huh?"

The person nodded. "Lookin' sharp today, Sir."

Erwin nodded and pointed to a chair in front of his desk. "Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Braus. And by the way…I have to agree to your theory of potato being the best for heartbreaks. Got some on you?"

"Don't you know it, Sir. Got one's piping hot right here. We could share if you want."

And share the potato they did, but Erwin had to wonder about being given the smaller half this time around.

* * *

**A/N : Did I somehow managed to fool you guys into thinking the worst has happened to Erwin halfway through the story? So sorry for putting 'suicide' in the warning, I just want to be sure no one was triggered by even a bit of the scene. Just sayin'.**


End file.
